LaToya M. Davidson-Perez

I am now officially a librarian without a library. For a while I honestly didn’t think that it would ever be quite like this. Sure, like many, from time to time I thought of moving on. There were many days and even weeks where I was unhappy in my job but I’d never reached my breaking point. When I did, a month ago, there was a rush of relief, anxiety and everything that comes along with change. I was displaced.

When it’s time to move forward, it’s time. Despite earning a Masters in Library and Information Studies, one of two Masters degrees I hold, and having devoted myself to that career for well over a decade, I had become despondent. I was going through the motions but the joy was gone. I’d worked in library administration for over 7 years and while I took a great deal of pride in what I did, it never felt truly like I would remain there forever. There are things and phases of one’s life that, although they seem permanent, are only meant to last a season. My season of libraries are likely over. However, I’m smart enough not to say that I’ll never go back to them. Twelve years is a long time and the skills that I developed and honed while working there won’t be relegated to a shelf to accumulate dust.

I’d forgotten what it was like to truly rest. To know that I wasn’t responsible for anyone but myself was liberating. When I finished my last day on the job I felt a euphoria I’ve never felt before. Prior to that I was anxious. I could see the end in sight but was filled with both procrastination and nervousness. There was a part of me that was fearful that I wouldn’t know what to do once it was over. I’d done the same thing for so long that I just couldn’t fully see past the job. The date was set and my responsibilities outlined but it felt a bit outside of my grasp. I knew that nothing I did would change the inevitability of it all. And even though I was ready to move on, my body and parts of my mind just couldn’t let it go.

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It’s not uncommon for us to think of a phase in our life coming to an end as a time to feel sad or bitter. Rather, the end of something often means the beginning of something else. The fact is, when one door opens another door, even if we don’t immediately see or understand it, also opens. When writing my last article I had no idea how prophetic it would be when I said that if I can no longer do the job that I do, I’d simply start over. At the time I was still languishing in so many areas in my life. In some ways it felt like an ex-boyfriend I just couldn’t quit. I loved it but had difficulty moving on. But now it’s time to truly let it go. The news of that letting go was splashed across the front page of the local paper. My resignation was there for all to see. There was no going back now.

It is, after all, a new year. And with a new year comes the opportunity to become a new you. Two weeks ago I decided that it was time to walk away from a job and career that I’ve had for over 12 years. I invested my time, money, energy and health into it. Ignoring the suggestions of family and friends to find a better work/life balance, it was not uncommon for me to work long hours, to always be on call, and to put the needs of my job above my own. I held on because it was all that I knew. All of my adult life had been spent inside those walls. I felt like it too, the job, was like a person and that by investing that time into that person, they’d be there when I needed them most. But like a real person, you can’t always count on that either.

Regardless, here I am on the other side of 12 years having gained a great deal of expertise and experience. Just because you’ve always done something does it mean that you always have to. In recent months and maybe even years, the joy in the work that I did had begun to fade away. And I sometimes felt like I was simply moving to life’s ebbs and flows. It’s often difficult to make any change in your life, even if it is for the best. You feel that you’ve known something for so long and ask yourself why you should trade the certainty of one thing for the uncertainty of another. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s difficult living with constant stress. I’m sure that I’m preaching to the choir. The past month has been an incredibly stressful one. I’d say it’s been the most stressful a period I’ve had in years. Health, personal and professional issues abound and I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I had a restful night’s sleep. It’s interesting how we often take for granted the periods of time when life seems to be uneventful and become crippled when it turns upside down.

I hate rumors and hearsay. I’m open enough as a person that I feel as though if someone has an issue with me or questions my motives, they can come to me directly and simply ask. Personally or professionally I don’t hide anything. So it’s hurtful when things are said about you, as I’ve recently discovered, that makes you feel as though no one really knows who you are. For the past month I have lived with the knowledge that I may not be seen or appreciated for the person that I really am.

It’s hard, knowing that you really have little control over people’s perceptions. And yes, there is some solace in knowing that I am very happy with the person that I am. However, it is exhausting when you feel that your best isn’t good enough. You know the feeling, when there are whispers and glares that you had somehow missed before. You find yourself constantly inside your head, trapped with your thoughts, becoming paranoid. You feel caged, unhappy and lost. Read the rest of this entry »

For many, having surgery is a welcomed avoidance in life. And yet for others, like myself, it’s an unfortunate part and circumstance of our lives. But how do we know when we should go under the knife? Should we always exhaust all other options? And what about the types of surgery that cause you to really consider what you want from your life? How much time do we think of that type of decision?

It wasn’t until my mid 20s that the hint of any type of surgery was mentioned to me. All in all I was in good health and for a while I thought that my continued issues with my sinuses were the norm. However, at the ages of 22 and 24 I already had two sinus surgeries under my belt. Feeling as though there was something else that was wrong it was soon discovered that I had a brain tumor. Yes, it sounds really daunting and I suppose it is, but there it was, a pituitary tumor. At 26 I had brain surgery. Scary, I know, but since the surgery was done through my nose I feel as though saying it’s brain surgery is wrong. I have no big scar in my head. But it was severe enough of a surgery that I was required to remain home for a month to recover. Read the rest of this entry »